It sounds like you and I have very similar outlooks on the idea of children. I'm really happy to be "Uncle Rob" to a large number of honorary neices and nephews, but I've never especially wanted children of my own.

It's nice to be reminded that we're not the only childfree people who also genuinely like children.

I'm having a really hard time starting this comment, Idon't know why. I've worked with kids who's parents should never have been allowed to have kids, I've watched couples who activly dislike kids distance them selves from friends who have had kids. I've shared the pain of friends who desperatly wanted children and seen many different outcomes to that problem. I've often evied your relationships with your nieces, and have worked on the relationships with my own as a result. The decision to have children is not often made, it is thrust upon a couple, the same applies to not having kids. I'm just glad you and Jeff are happy the way you are, and have children in your lives that you can care for and help.

I really hope this makes sense, I just felt I had to say something to your post.

Most people don't seem to make a decision one way or the other; they drift into it. Kudos for thinking things through and doing what you think is best.

We had to work quite hard at having our son (and it often felt like work, which isn't ideal!).

The kind of wierd thing was that although I was trying really hard to have a child, I was also a little scared it would actually work! Like you and Jeff, our life as a couple was really fun, and we often consoled ourselves with the thought that at least we didn't seem to need children to make our marriage complete. I often felt like emailing you, to chat about the whole thing.

Before going through it, I never understood how people could want a child so much that they would endure fertility treatment, and then eventually just stop. In the end, we were prepared to make that same decision one day.

Making serious decisions about whether or not to have children is certainly character-building!

We ended up with a great kid, when we were really ready for him. I'm kind of glad we were forced to put some serious thought into the whole issue, but oh, for a time machine...

For years I have watched all my female friends & family members have babies & each time they always have to ask, "When are you having babies??". Each time I take a nice deep breath & say, "Probably never" (you can never be 100% sure, right?). Like you, I want the decision to be a good one. I don't ever want to get caught up in the romance of it all, only to wonder silently, "What was I thinking?!", a few years into it. I have felt this way since I was about 18 years old & have tried to explain it to people over & over. And yet I always hear the same responses, "Oh, wait until you meet a nice man & you will change your mind" or "You will change your mind when you get older". I think it's assumed that women are somehow slaves to their hormones & that we can't possibly want anything else. Well, I'm 31 & I still feel the same way. I've met a lot of amazing men (and some not-so-amazing ones!) & I still haven't changed my mind. I can't even get comfortable with the idea of marriage, never mind something as serious as having babies!

Of course, I know a lot of women who were previously a little... ummm... "scattered"... and they "accidently" got pregnant (I use quotation marks because I think a lot of the time there are no accidents, conscious or otherwise). Anyway, after they had their babies their lives changed in incredibly profound ways. I think it's really hard to imagine how having a baby would affect your life. Some women don't really like it at all even though they thought they would. Others thought it would be horrible & it turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to them. And as for the boyfriends/husbands... a lot of reactions are similar. Some run for the hills or bury themselves in work & friends & hobbies. And still others can't stand to be away from their babies even for a day. It's a tough call.

But I can empathize with your situation. I think a lot of women have that problem right now. It's hard. I always think about how lucky I am to have been born into a generation where I can make procreational choices, but I think it's both a blessing & a curse. Too many choices can be confusing & you always wonder if you're making the right ones. I suppose it's better to have too many choices than none at all, but maybe "the old days" were simpler (albeit, more annoying!).

Sorry for the rant. :)

My friend Kathye and I have said to each other "I wish I'd become a parent the way you did."

Kathye is pregnant for the 3rd time. All of her kids were complete surprises. The first 2 times they were taking chances and this third time they weren't. (Kathye is the 1% failure rate on condoms that proves the rule)

Scott and I actually planned to get pregnant. We made that conscious choice to turn our lives upside down for a demanding, tiny human being that didn't know how to use a toilet.

I'm envious that Kathye didn't have to make the decision and she's envious that I got to make the decision.

So, even when you do have kids you still reflect on how they got to be here.

And, you are welcome to come babysit anytime Deb.

I agree entirely with the previous comment that choice can be a bewildering thing. A friend remarked to me that I had "not exactly agonised about when to start a family", when we were blessed with our first child at a fairly early stage in our marriage, right as I was about to embark on a new career. I do seem to have had more than my fair share of the family's fertility genes, and that in itself can be both a blessing and a curse! We'll never really know if our marriage would have been "fun" without children, as jwordsmith said, because we had not really got into the swing of life as a couple. Four children later, however, and I would not change a thing! I'm lucky that my children have aunts and uncles with and without children, and life is all the more fun for having them!

Not having my own children makes me appreciate other people's children even more, ironically. I enjoy spending some time with them (well, most of them), getting to know them, figuring out how their heads work.
Gee - it's too bad that you don't live closer, I'm quite sure that my children would pose an interesting challenge. Hee.

I totally respect your choice not to have children. There are wonderful things about being a parent and I went into it with my eyes wide open (well - as wide as they could be) and knowing I very much wanted to be a parent. However, I'd be in total denial if I didn't admit moments of "auuugh! What was I thinking!??" or at least of "gee, remember life before children, I wonder if my child-less friends ever ponder what life would be like with children? - maybe I could loan them mine for a weekend??"

Hugs

Amen to making choices, rather than just falling into them. Well, god knows Paul and I waited long enough to finally decide to go ahead, and we don't regret it, but it was a long and difficult path for me, to come to a decision to go ahead and have kids, and because I worked it out first, I'm actually quite comfortable and content that we went down the path we did.

Now with the hindsight/knowledge that comes with having the kids (with no turning back-- god knows you can't throw them back like a fish or something!), I can see clearly that my life would have been just fine either way, whichever road I had taken. It would have been different in many ways, but I remain essentially the same person I was before kids. A bit more protective of kids, fiercer in rushing to their defense, perhaps. But I'm really glad I got the chance to have a career first, and to realize that a career is, when it comes right down to it, still just work; it does not define everything you are as a person. Parenthood adds a whole new layer to who you are, certainly, but not having kids doesn't make you less of a person, you just develop outward in other directions that parents don't have the time or energy for. Just like one comes to the realization that there just isn't going to be enough time to do all the things you'd like to, and you have to start choosing more carefully what you spend your time on.

I got to develop as my own person first, which I think was very good for me, since kids certainly suck away all of your own time to do things for yourself. (Yes, you too, Amanda!! Get out there and do something for yourself, girl!! That's an order!!) Having those years before kids to grow in for myself ended up providing a stable base for me to center myself on now, in the hurley burly of dealing with three year old twin boys, if that makes any sense.

Urk. Guess this got a bit long... Looks like you touched a chord with people here, eh? ;) And just so you know for sure, we love you, Deb, the way you are.

(Cross-posted to Blatherchat, so you'll probably see this twice. There are some slight additions to this version of the post.)

Debbie, I honor and respect your decision to not have children. You're both busy career people. It would be difficult-to-impossible for you and Jeff to raise a kid and continue both careers as they are now.

And thanks for saying that you admire other people's children. I've met too many childless-by-choice couples who believe that no one else should have them either.

My sister and her husband are also childless by choice. In lieu of them, they have "fur children" or "4-legged kids" -- 5 yellow Labrador retrievers. (She breeds them and takes them to dog shows.) Let's see if I can recall their names -- Knarley, Dakota, Sierra, Seven of Nine, and Cirque du Soleil.

My wife and I who have two sets of friends who have also opted to not have children, mostly for health reasons. But they love (and often spoil) our daughter.

One of the social groups I used to be in had plenty of single people, married couples with no children, divorced people, and empty-nesters. Some of them would bristle and make faces (if not crosses with their fingers) if I came with 10 feet of them with my kid. I ended up dropping out of the organization because it was so child-unfriendly.

Now, what you and Jeff could do is find one of those computer-generated-composite-picture kiosks and get a picture of what a child of yours would look like. And when someone asks, show them the picture. :-)

I just wanted to say - what a great picture of Jeff. :) Full of joy and exuberance that kids can bring to your life, whether they are yours or not. :)

WE never wanted to have kids either. I donÄt think our decision was ever questioned very much, though. For one thing we never got married until last year, for another, neither of us is terribly great about having small children about. Somehow we do seem to lack the patience. I suppose I might like a child form 8 years onward. But that, too, is on a theoretical scale. And at my age I htink it is too late to think about it anyway.
I seem to lack motherly instincts.

I never understood people who feel everyone who marries should have children. It's a very personal decision.

Years ago when I was married my then-husband and I agreed we didn't want children. Despite this, both sets of parents and his grandparents were practically ordering up children. When my parents got persistent, I asked, "But who's going to take care of them and pay for them?"

"You are," they replied.

I came back with, "But if I don't want to take care of or pay for children, why should I have them in the first place? It's not like I can take them back to the 'baby pound' or something!"

As that marriage progressed, I realized I actively didn't want to pass on his genes.

The last time I visited my mother she finally said, "You know, I'm glad you didn't have children with that guy." Heh.

Meanwhile, back to your situation....

There's exactly one person you have to live with all your life, and that's you. If you know you aren't cut out to be a parent, not being one is a smart thing.